Since When Is HIV
a Reason to Have a Party?

HIV is not solely a medical problem: there's a social problem too for the individual, an adjustment to a revised relationship to the society at large (almost a mental health problem on the personal level -- read psychological implications -- seen appropriately enough of course as a social problem by the individual). They KNOW human society has never been strong on tolerating differences (religion, age, race, condition, even where to squeeze the toothpaste).

Is there any aspect of your life that you would rather not have widely known?

Now imagine that you suddenly learn that you have a venereal disease, or leprosy, or HIV. What stereotypes do you suddenly bring to bear on yourself? For HIV, common fears linger from the earliest stages of the epidemic (after all, these are the folk who haven't felt any need to keep close tabs on the news about HIV, since they didn't have it):

Tell such a person that these fears are now largely groundless, and though he wants to believe you, deep down he knows better. Words and statements, alas, do not penetrate the hide-bound strength of such fears. And the better educated they are, typically, the more status-conscious they are and with more to lose (social and job contacts) are even more fearful of self-revelation.

Initially, with the diagnosis may have come a suggestion of some sort of counseling, say support groups. But these often appear rather clinical, like an extension of their medical treatment. Necessary to swallow, but not tasting good. A too-public forum with its monolithic discussion for so private a problem especially for many already very sensitive about sharing information from years of accomplished closet-dwelling.

For over fourteen years, the Monthly Social has offered an alternative or additional resource, that is painless, pleasant and remarkably effective: in the greater Baltimore/Washington area: a simple social opportunity to get together once or twice a month in private homes for simple companionship with others similarly affected or at least aware and sympathetic.

What good does this do? A pleasant social evening for those who have continued to come, but for the newly discovered, we show them that HIV is not an instant death sentence: some of those present have been attending for a decade or more; others have just finished up degrees and made career changes despite their medical condition. Seeing is believing. And being able to talk to those who by now take the whole thing far more calmly helps a lot. No fear of social rejection [see footnote] when they ultimately reveal their HIV status. Often they even get helpful advice on specific problems on a one-to-one basis.

The result is that the fears are displaced. The individual now knows that he is still socially acceptable. Self-confidence is boosted. He is better able to face the real remaining challenges without wasting energies fighting demons and better able to continue healthier, self-supporting, and happier for far longer than when weighted down by old beliefs and self-doubts. Good for the individual; good for the society.

While this is only one approach to the problem, for almost 15 years now it has proven quite effective here in the DC area, helping typically over 400 at any one time [up from 300 four years ago]. This approach may also be viewed as a stepping-stone. As the individual feels more comfortable about himself, he may be more willing (individual judgment when the time is right for him) to be a bit less closeted, attend other events, lectures on HIV where he would not have dared be seen, church-run HIV events or coffeehouses, where they might be identified by someone they know. These in turn can further the realization that there are some who sympathize, rather than condemn, and may be called upon as resources.

There is an infinite spectrum of degrees of closetedness. Some start only with first names or even false names even in "safe" environments. Caution is the key word.

The closet is the enemy of better, freer, more comfortable life. The closet is in some cases, alas, still needed in an imperfect society, but we aim at least to assist in the eternal decision of how much ventilation to permit over time.